Choosing infertility

Something I sometimes think about is whether it is worse to be able to get pregnant but always miscarriage or to not be able to get pregnant at all? Don't ask me why I think about this, it's not like you get to choose what type of infertility problems you might have.

I'm a "get pregnant but always miscarriage" type of infertile. This I find is such a huge roller coaster of emotions that it is utterly exhausting. I've been pregnant four times now and each time, I get excited. I just cannot stop myself feeling a little bubble of hope that grows bigger each day. I start thinking about the due date, when I will finish work, what things we will need to buy and on it goes. I know deep down that the chances aren't good, but my internal optimist always takes over and my imagination of life with this baby kicks into gear. The first time I was pregnant there was no doubts in my mind - I was pregnant and we would have a baby in less than 9 months time. Big crash back down to earth when we lost it. Each time I've been pregnant since, the optimist in me has been a little less enthusiastic. But the elation and hope that I feel each time I see two lines on that little stick always takes me sky high...and it is a long drop back down the other side when I inevitably lose the bub.

On the other hand, how would it feel to struggle to actually even get pregnant? You wouldn't get that excitement of seeing two lines on the stick and all the dreams that go with it, so I guess the roller coaster ride wouldn't be so high? Lot's more lows though I imagine and more doubt? I don't know.

All I do know is that being infertile sucks, whichever way you have it.