Life so far

I've been reading other peoples blogs for a while now and thought I might give it a go myself. I'm not sure why I want to, I haven't got a thrilling or exciting life to share with you all. I guess this is more for me. Somewhere to get my thoughts out of my head. Sometimes I feel like I don't have anywhere where I can truly express myself. I always temper what I'm saying depending on who I am speaking or writing to. Here, I am going to be selfish and write exactly what I like and not pretend for anyone. So this probably means that some days this will just be a whinging place for me, other days I will want to boast about something and other days I'll probably have nothing much to say at all.

Most of my posting will probably be about the thing in my life that is really sucky...my struggles with infertility. This is the main thing that takes up my thoughts each day.

I thought I'd start by telling you a bit about how I got to be where I am today. The following will probably bore your socks off, but I think my background has really shaped how I am today.

When I was growing up, I had my life all mapped out. I'd go to uni when I finished school, have some fun, get a lovely boyfriend, finish uni, get a great job, marry the lovely boyfriend, buy a house and then have two kids. By the age of 30 we'd be living comfortably - my wonderful husband, perfect childen and a dog or two.

Now back to reality. When I finished school I still wasn't completely convinced of the career I wanted. I um'd and ah'd and finally decided I'd be an architect. So off to uni I went. Only thing was, I wasn't that good at it and there was too much fun to be had. I like to do things I'm good at and wasn't used to being in the bottom half of the class. So after scraping through first year, I decided to defer for a year and have a bit of a think about if this was the right thing to be doing. In my year off I went on the dole, did a bit of casual work and had a lot of fun drinking way too much and generally being completely irresponsible. After my year of frivolity, back to uni I went and lasted about 6 weeks before chucking in the towel. My parents were disappointed in me. I was a bit disappointed in me too, but I was young, right? Heaps of time left to be sensible and knuckle down.

I spent another year having fun - boys, drinking and partying. By this time I was beginning to realise that I really had better get on with it. I was sick of being broke and felt like my brain was beginning to get a bit soggy. Decided on another career path and back to uni I went.

About this time I met a lovely sensible young man. He had a sensible well-paid job and owned a sensible car. I met him while he was on holidays in my city - he lived in Sydney, a couple of hours away on a plane. We started a whirlwind romance, with him flying in every 2 or 3 weeks to spend weekends with me. Three hours phonecalls every night and romantic love letters in the mail every few days. I decided he was The One and six months after meeting him, I pulled up roots, transferred uni's and moved to Sydney to be with him. Another six months later at age 23 we got married.

Living in Sydney wasn't all I expected it to be. I missed my friends and family terribly. I made some friends at uni, but we all lived so far apart that we hardly saw each other outside uni. I was also older than most of the others beacuse I'd stuffed around for a few years. We had "couple friends", mostly people my husband worked with and their wives/girlfriends.

I started getting clucky and we agreed that we'd start a family after I'd finished uni and worked for a year. We also planned to move back to my home town at the end of my degree. I finished uni and we both looked for jobs in my hometown. Nothing, hardly even anything either of us could apply for. Then, my husband was offered a promotion and I was offered a scholarship to do my PhD (both in Sydney). Without any other opportunities on the horizon, we decided I would do my PhD and he would take the promotion, then we would move to "back home" after I completed.

Three years passed where I tried to suppress my loudly ticking bodyclock and convince myself we'd made the right decision. I was writing up my PhD thesis when my husband finally got a job back home. It was a very exciting time! We sold our house and made the big move. We bought a lovely house and I set about finishing my PhD while working part-time in a coffee shop. Once my PhD was complete, I worked full-time in the coffee shop whileI looked and looked for a career job. Nothing, no one wanted me. I eventually got a base-grade government position.

I worked hard and quickly made my way through several promotions. Meanwhile I was desperate to start our family. My husband kept stalling, "just work one more year" and "let's just pay a bit more off the house" were some of the excuses. Eventually he said he was ready! We decided we'd start trying after our next holiday. I went off the pill and started taking pregnancy vitamins. Finally, it was going to happen!!

Two weeks before we were due to go on our big holiday, my husband sat me down and told me he was leaving me for someone else, a colleague. I was shocked to my very core. I didn't see it coming at all and thought that we were in a pretty good place in our relationship after almost 10 years of marriage. My world came tumbling down and I was close to suicidal for several weeks. He moved in with his new girlfriend to add salt to the wound. A month later he asked me to say we'd been split up for a year already so we could get a quick divorce and they could marry sooner. She didn't want to start a family until they we married!!

Eventually I pulled myself together and made a fresh start. After a while it was actually quite nice to be single again. I came to realise how unsuited we had been. I didn't have my own life as he didn't like me going out without him. He had treated me reasonably well, but was always trying to change me. In particular he was forever trying to make me lose weight. At the time, I thought it was for my benefit, but looking back I can see he was embarrased by me and I wasn't the beautiful, sexy wife on his arm that he wanted. His new love was a dancer - slim, graceful and always beautifully manicured.

I made the scary move of registering on an online dating site. Not something I ever thought I would do! I went on quite a few dates and met some nice guys (and some not-so-nice ones). No one special. I had decided I would give up on the online game when in a last ditch attempt I sent a message to nice-looking guy. He responded and we exchanged a couple of emails. We soon met up and that was the beginning of something very very special.

He brings out the best in me. He treats me like a princess and spoils me rotten. He is my best friend. He makes me feel like no one ever has before. He makes me feel beautiful and sexy. He loves me for who I am and never tries to change me. He is The One.

We met in December 2007. In February 2008 we moved in together. In May 2008 we started trying for a baby. We were married in August 2009. Yes, we moved very quickly, but we were just so sure we were meant to be together and didn't want to waste any more time. I truly believe that we will be together until one of us hops off the twig. I never knew love could be like this.