First Obstetrician appointment

Today marked another milestone, my first obs appointment for a healthy-so-far pregnancy. It was a reasonably quick appointment. He did a very quick scan, but little bub wasn't very visible through my copious layers of fat. But we did see a very snowy image and we could see the beating heart, which was pounding away at 170bpm. The image was too crappy to do a length measurement.

We also talked about downs syndrome testing and how to decide whether to go ahead with the testing or not (we're going to). Since I'm over 35 (I'm 36), the risk is increased, but still not terribly bad. We talked about which hospital I will go to and how often I will see him throughout my pregnancy. He gave me a bunch of information sheets and gave me the forms for routine blood testing. That was about it! I was expecting him to weigh me and talk about weight issues (I am hugely overweight), but he didn't mention it at all. One of the info sheets is about obesity and related pregnancy risks though and it is a bit scary.

So my next appointment with him is in 3 weeks. After that appointments will be monthly.

Finally a picture!

You may remember that when I had my emergency scan last week they couldn't get the pictures to burn to a CD so I still had no pics even after three scans (I know a lots of people don't even get a scan until 12 weeks so I am counting myself lucky even though I am still whinging). Well anyway the ultrasound technician took my phone number and said she'd get someone else to have a go and they'd ring me. It was apparently a new machine and they hadn't worked out how to save images to a disc.

No one rang so I rang yesterday and the receptionist said she'd look into it and get back to me. No phonecall, so I rang back again today. Oops, she'd forgotten but today she rang me back and said she had a CD of photos for me. I decided to go in and collect it (because I'm too impatient to wait for it to come in the post). Then I took the CD up to a photo shop to get some print outs. But the computer at the shop couldn't read any of the files, so no print outs. So I came home and tried on the laptop. Success, BUT, they are really poor quality pics, can't even read the text on them, so I don't think they have still figured out how to save the pics to a disc properly yet.

But anyway, for your fuzzy, pixilated viewing pleasure, here is a pic of Little M at 10w1d. Hopefully I'll get some more pics next week at my NT scan.

Scary times

On Thursday, after writing here how everything was going so well on Wednesday, I woke up to bleeding and mild cramping. So far this pregnancy I have had very little cramping (unlike my unsuccessful miscarriage pregnancies where I've had cramping from day dot). Of course We tried to find the heartbeat with the Doppler and couldn't. I immediately thought the worst and went into panic mode. I tried to get into my obs (not in), gp (no appointment free) and I knew my RE was already on holidays, probably sipping wine in his apartment in France. So we decided to go into Emergency to see if we could get a scan to find out what was going on (or else it would be a miserable wait until 31st when I have my obs appt).

We went into Emergency at one of the private hospitals because although you have to pay, generally the wait is much less than the public hospital (plus you don't have to put up with bogans in the waiting room). There was a little wait until we saw the dr, but she immediately ordered a scan for me and was very lovely. I had some blood taken and I drank a few glasses of water then the ultrasound technician came and got us. We were both feeling terribly nervous while we waited, expecting the worst but hoping for the best.

First she did an external scan. It was very hard to see, but I could see a heartbeat! Then she confirmed there was a heartbeat (phew) but couldn't take any measurements because the image wasn't clear enough. We could see bubs moving around though, so we were feeling VERY relieved. She then did an internal scan and the picture was so much clearer! We could even see little fingers. Little M was measuring 9w4d (I was 10w1d) but apparently they can be out by up to a week, so no cause for concern. Heart was beating at 140bpm.

At the end of the scan, I asked if we could get any pictures. Sure, she would burn us a disc. Back to wait in our room in emergency feeling so much happier. Dr came and confirmed to us that everything was good and said that at this stage the uterus is preparing to move up and this can cause the cramping and bleeding. Then the ultrasound technician came in and told us she couldn't burn the photos onto the disc as it kept coming up with an error message. Third scanand still no photos! Grr!!

Friday morning and still couldn't find a heartbeat. Christmas Day morning and I put to doppler to my belly and immediately heard the sound of Little M, a tiny train puffing away. Such a beautiful sound. No nausea for the past couple of days (or much tiredness) but today I have woken up feeling like I have a hangover. All is well again. :-)

10 weeks!

Here I am and I've made it to 10 weeks. I think everything is going well. Nine days until my obs appointment. I've been feeling pretty nauseous most days and have resorted to maxolon to keep it under control. It's working pretty well for me. Apart from that I've been tired, really tired by the end of the day.

I can't wait for my next scan!

:-)

Everything looks good! Unfortunately I don't have a picture to post as the USB port on the stupid machine he is borrowing (has TWO new ones on order) doesn't work. At the time we didn't think to take a photo of the screen. That would have been the next best thing.

So when he first put the ultrasound probe in (yes, another undignified internal scan) the little bub did a big jump. I couldn't believe my eyes, it was awesome! Little M (as we've now named him/her now) is measuring around 2cm and the heartbeat was 170bpm. Now Little M is not just a blob, he/she (I can't say "it"!) had a big head, body and legs. We couldn't see the arms, but I'm sure they were somewhere hiding there. We could easily see the heart beating away in the middle of the chest.

Another hurdle passed!

Another scan tomorrow!

Again, I'm feeling both excited and scared. It's not til 3pm, so it's going to be another long day at work waiting for the arvo.

My nausea is back again. Did I write that it had stopped for about 3 days? It had me very worried. But yesterday and today I've been feeling queasy and tired, which makes me weirdly happy.

Anyway, I will post tomorrow night about my scan, hopefully with good news!

Well I haven't posted for a while because I haven't got much to tell you! I'm still feeling pretty anxious, so I'm wary to post because it ends up being a whinge. It sux that I can't just be excited to be pregnant like those who have never suffered miscarriage or the effects of infertility.

I rang up my obstetrician to make an appointment and the earliest they can fit me in is the 31st of December. I'll be 11w2d, feels like forever away. I'm not sure how I will go waiting that long to find out if bubs is still growing or not...I might lose the plot before then! I'm also worried about timing of our 12 week scan. It won't give me much time to book in for it the following week if I'm only getting a referral for it when I'm 11w2d.

Then slight nausea I am having is giving me hope that everything is going ok. It isn't too bad, just kind of lurking in the background sometimes. I haven't felt sick enough to actually throw up from it yet. Yesterday I felt fine all morning with no nausea at all and I found myself wishing for it by lunchtime just to give me some reassurance! Weird, I know. Definitely feeling it this morning though. The only other pregnancy sign I have is some tiredness. I'm yawning my head off by mid arvo and I'm asleep pretty early at night.

I'm working from home today as I am supposedly offline from my normal job so I can work on a project. If I'm in my office, I still get heaps of people popping in asking questions, talking to me about work issues and just stopping for a chat. So I decided I'd have a day working from home to see if I could actually get some more done. And here I am blogging. Oops! Will get back to work soon though, I promise...

One last thing, later this week I am travelling with the other managers to our offices at other locations around the state to have meetings with our regional staff. We do this every few months. I'm worried about the car travel as this is when I get my nausea the worst. So far, my longest trips have been about 30 minutes and by the end of that I'm feeling pretty bleurgh. On this trip we'll have a two hour trip, a one hour trip and a 3.5hour trip over two days. Not sure how I'll go!

6w5d scan update

So we went for our appointment and sat waiting nervously in the waiting room. Our RE came in to call the people ahead of us and said to us at the same time, "Bad news, the ultrasound machine is only working sporadically." So then we had tio wait wondering if we were going to get a scan or not. I was almost in tears thinking about it. Finally it was our turn and he called us in and said it wouldn't boot up and did we want to have a scan with the ancient machine he kept for emergencies? Of course, a scan with a crappy machine would be better than nothing. But as he was firing up the old one, suddenly his normal one sprang into life. He said, "Quick, get undressed before it dies!" so I whipped my trousers and knickers off and jumped on the table.

We still have a bub with a beating heart! He measured it at 128bpm, then a couple of minutes later at 123bpm. Apparently all good. He measured the embryo at 7w0d, then a couple of minutes later at 6w4d (the machine wasn't behaving wonderfully so it was quite a grainy image), so all good there too. He then tried to save us some pictures on a USB, but the machine chose to die right at that moment. But that's ok, the main thing is that we got to have a scan and it's all looking good!! Bubs has positioned itself in a great spot high up in my uterus. I'm on cloud nine right now. I know we're not through the danger period, but this is the furthest we have ever got, so we are stoked!

Now I still can't concentrate on work as I'm too excited! Very non-productive day workwise, but super productive in my happiness levels. :-)

Scan in 1.5 hours

I've been wishing today away, looking at my watch constantly. My scan is at 2:30pm today. I am so so nervous but also so so excited. I'm not sure how I should be feeling. We are going to be absolutely thrilled if there is a heartbeat and the measurements are ok. But completely devastated if things don't look good. I haven't been thinking about that possibility. Just trying to remain positive.

My boobs aren't really sore anymore, just a little bit every now and then. But I have been feeling queasy most days, although not badly. I find I need to eat regularly or else I feel sick. Hoping this is a good sign!

Will keep you posted...

:-)

It was a super-dooper quick scan, but that's ok because we got to see a teeny tiny heart beat! At first we could only see the sac and a bit of a blob. But after maybe 10 seconds of looking (the longest 10 seconds of my life!) he said "There it is!" Of course it immediately disappeared, probably because I suddenly had to breathe very deeply. Then he took another 20 seonds to find it again (with me trying to hold my breath and not move at all) and we could see a few pixels flashing on and off at the bottom of the sac.

I think I was in shock afterwards and I couldn't talk or I would have burst into tears as we walked down the street. Now I'm feeling pretty happy (oh these rollercoaster emotions!).

We still get another scan on Monday (on a different machine in his office, apparently better for early pregnancy scans). He said he'll measure the heart rate then and we'll get a print out of a picture of our little grain of rice.

Big Breaths!!

Eeeeeeeekkkkkk!!!!!

OMG, my RE just sent me a txt saying, "if you are anxious and would like a scan tomorrow, I'll be at the clinic at 10am. Just rock up. It's a little early but if we see a heart beat we'll all be a little happier". I guess he's been reading the nurse's notes on my freak out on Monday. Of course I'm going to go in but I'm feeling very nervous about it. What if there's no heartbeat? I know it could be too early to see a heartbeat, but if we don't see one then we're going to feel a whole lot worse. If we do see one, then we're going to feel a whole lot better. Aaaaarghhhhhh!!

And the last sentence of his txt makes me think that he is also concerned this pregnancy isn't going to be viable. Hmmmm.

Mini meltdown

So yesterday I was 5w4d, which is quite a significant milestone for me. It's the day I miscarried my first two pregnancies and also the day I had an imminent miscarriage confirmed by ultrasound for my fourth pregnancy. We did quite well in keeping our minds off it. We cleaned the house Sunday morning, then mum and dad came over for a cuppa. Afterwards we popped out to the supermarket (exciting I know). In the arvo some friends came to visit with their 5 month old baby (very cute, lots of smiling and gooing). DH was on nightshift, so he left after an early dinner and I lazed in front of the tv.

A little while later I realised my boobs had stopped hurting COMPLETELY. Two hours earlier they had definitely been hurting. I completely freaked out and stupidly consulted Dr Google (why do I do that?). Of course I came across heaps of stories when this had happened to others and it had ended up being a miscarriage. I suppose there was probably quite a few stories where things didn't end in miscarriage, but in my freaking-out state I didn't take much notice of those. When DH rang to say hi, I immediately burst into tears and hysterically told him I was no doubt about to have a miscarriage. Luckily he is much more sensible than I am and managed to calm me down enough that I could eventually go to sleep. Of course I had awful miscarriage dreams and didn't wake up refreshed at all.

Today I called into the clinic on my way to work to ask for another blood test (boobs very slightly tender but still not sore like they had been). As soon as the nurse asked me what was wrong, I immediately burst into tears (again, how embarrassing!). Of course she let me have another blood test done and also gave me a medical certificate as I was in no state to go to work. I went and got my blood drawn., The poor young bloke didn't know how to handle a shaking 36y.o. woman with puffy red eyes. He took my sample in record time and I was straight back out the door. It wasn't til I got to the car that I realised my arm was bleeding profusely and my shirt sleeve was covered in blood. It eventually stopped with a huge wad of tissues from my handbag, but I was then really glad I was going home and not to work. I would have had to go home and change before going to work anyway.

After an excrutiating wait for the phone to ring, I couldn't wait any longer and I rang the clinic at 1pm. Answering machine! I left a pathetic message and then sat and waited for the call back. It seemed to take forever, and I was imagining that the nurses were drawing straws to see who was the unlucky one who had to ring up the crazy one to tell her that her HCG levels had dropped. Finally the phone rang and I almost passed out when the nurse told me my levels were absolutely fine. I had to ask her to repeat herself! So they were 7793, up from 1263 on Wednesday. They had doubled at a rate of every 46 hours. I really was expecting the worst and it was such a shock to hear they were ok!

I hope now I can make it to my scan in six sleeps without having another meltdown. Small steps! I'm sure the last 24 hours have caused me my first grey hairs. I can't believe how stressed I let myself get.

Sore boobies make me happy!

I never thought I'd be so happy to have sore boobs. They started hurting from my trigger shot, but stopped quite suddenly at about 11dpo. For about a week, absolutely no pain at all. I kept poking to see if they hurt, but I couldn't even induce a slight twinge. Then earlier this week (after a whole week of no pain at all) they gradually started hurting again. And now they are SO painful. It's great!!!

It's about the only symptom I have, although yesterday I felt a bit "off" and weary. Today I feel normal again. It sounds ridiculous (and I'll probably regret it) but I wish I had a bit of morning sickness to make me feel pregnant. I'm going insane wondering if things are alright. I still have ten more sleeps til scan day.

Happy update!!

I'm pretty excited!! My levels today were 1263. More than tripled since my level of 343 two days ago. It was such a tense morning waiting for the results. I am feeling so relieved, although I know I have a long way to go before I can feel a bit safer yet. My levels with my ectopic were higher at this stage (1500 at 21dpo) so I certainly won't feel safe until my scan on the 29th. Twelve long days and nights to wait!!

But for now I am happy. :-)

The tortuous wait

I seem to be spending my whole life wishing it away, waiting, waiting.

It has been a painful wait from Saturday until today to see what my hcg levels are doing.

I'm amazed to report that they have more than doubled in 48 hours. I really thought I'd just get a slight rise, and would then have the painful wait for them to drop back to zero and AF to arrive.

So here are my levels:
14dpo 49
17dpo 128 (doubling time of 48 hours)
and today:
19dpo 343 (doubling time of 33 hours)

It's given me a little bit of hope. Although my levels should now be up around 600, maybe my little bean was just a slow off the mark? Maybe he/she is going to catch back up now?

I am still very lightly bleeding on and off, so that is scary. And absolutely no pregnancy symptoms whatsoever.

Now I'm waiting for Wednesday, so I can have another blood test and see what is going on. I'm hoping for a big jump up to put my mind at ease.

Waiting, waiting, waiting!

Update

My HCG was 128 today. LOW (should have been around 300 ideally), but according to an internet hcg doubling time calculator it did have a doubling rate of 48 hours, just. I would have preferred if it had either jumped up heaps or gone up only a little bit. Then I would have had more of an idea of what the hell is going on. But regardless, I hold out very little hope now.

I'm in HCG hell.

Gone crazy

Yep, I think I've made it to "craziness". I've been driving myself insane with worry about if this pregnancy is going to progress or not.

I've continued to test everyday and my tests got slightly darker for a couple of days and then seemed to stall. This mornings was slightly darker again today. This is exactly what happened to me when I had my last early miscarriage back in April. They are just not getting dark enough, quick enough. I know you're probably thinking that pee tests can't show you if your HCG levels are rising well enough or not, but actually in my experience there is a direct correlation. Last time I had my HCG tested every 2nd day and was also doing a pee test every day. I found I could predict what my levels would be, based on my pee sticks.

On Wednesday I had worked myself up into such a state that I called the clinic and asked if I could test earlier than Monday. I didn't confess that I had already tested. They relented and said I could test on Saturday (tomorrow) but no earlier. I was going to my GP anyway on Wednesday, so while I was there, I told her I thought I was pregnant and asked if I could have my levels tested. I did confess to her that the clinic wouldn't let me test yet. She let me have a blood test. From my pee stick that day I estimated my levels would be between 40 and 60. They came back at 49. This was 14dpo and the average for that day according to betabase is around 100. So I'm not feeling confident, even though it is not a ridiculously low number and could still be ok.

Yesterday I started heavy spotting, brown. Today it is turning red and is more a light flow than spotting. Beginning of the end. My basal body temperatures have dropped over the last 3 or 4 days. So all this adds up to another non-viable pregnancy I think. I guess I will know more tomorrow when we get the results from tomorrows blood test. If the level is above 170, then I might be in with a chance. If it is over 200 I will be happy, if it is over 300 I will be ecstatic. Realistically, I think it will probably be around 100.

Will keep you posted...

Seven days til testing...

And I'm still not quite crazy yet.

So I last posted on Thursday when I was 8dpo (or 6dp2dt which in long hand means 6 days past a two-day embryo transfer, so much lingo in the forums!). I said I'd probably start testing the next at 9dpo, which of course I did. I have a stash of 50 (yes you read correctly) internet cheapies (IC's) so I'm not stingy with them.

No line morning of 9dpo, pure snowy white. Thought I could see a ghost of a line on the night of 9dpo, but knew I was wishing a line to be there. Morning of 10dpo and the shadow of a line was a teeny tiny bit darker. Maybe there was a line there? Nervous pee on a stick on the night of 10dpo and yes, there was the faintest, faintest line. Most people wouldn't have been able to see it, but after a couple of years of HPT examination practice, my eyes can pick up even the tiniest shadow of a pink line. So I broke out the big guns, a First Response (supposedly the most sensitive "proper" test on the market)and tried it. Nothing!!! Very disappointed that my IC's were giving me false hope. I guess you get what you pay for.

Today at 11dpo of course I peed on another IC and the line was there again, and darker (still barely discernible to the non experts of course). So I did another First Response and woohoo! A very light 2nd line appeared!! So my IC's are actually better at detecting low levels of HCG than the expensive First Responses. So, feeling really brave I went a bought a digital pregnancy test. I've tried these on several occasions in the early days of pregnancy and only ever had the nasty words "not pregnant" so I really was very brave. And guess what? I got "Pregnant"!!! I did a little happy dance around the bathroom.





Of course I shouldn't be allowing myself to get excited or hopeful. I've been in this situation five times before and still don't have a baby. But I just can't help it. My imagination is already running away with me.

Still eleven days til testing!

I haven't gone crazy with the wait yet, but I can feel myself getting closer. Today I'm 8dpo and haven't got any symptoms except sore boobs, and I'm pretty sure that's due to the crinone gel I'm using twice a day. Such lovely stuff (I'm being sarcastic in case you didn't pick that up).

My clinic seems to make us wait longer for test day than any other clinics in the country (from what I can work out from various ivf forums). My test day is 19dpo (15 Nov). Are they just being mean or what? Or avoiding finding chemical pregnancies until they have been and gone? Whatever their reason, I will be cheating and testing early (of course, I'm addicted to peeing on sticks). I'd rather know sooner than later if I am not pregnant to put myself out of my misery. Some people think - what if you test too early and get a negative when you are actually pregnant, then it will make you miserable. Maybe, but if I don't have a 2nd line by 13dpo then I know I'm not pregnant and get miserable. I'd rather that, than have my hopes building for longer before the crash back to reality.The earliest I've had a BFP is 9dpo, so yep, I'll probably test tomorrow!

You probably all think I AM crazy now.

More good news!

Today we had one perfect 2day 4-cell embryo transferred. I looked at it on the tiny tv screen and I thought, this is the one! For some reason I'm feeling really really positive about this one. Well so far anyway!

The other good news is that we now have 7 embryos in the freezer. I think eight embryos from ten eggs is pretty bloody good! I'm proud of my little fighters.

Test date is on a pretty significant day for me, my 36th birthday. A good omen I am hoping.

So I begin the long wait in a very good frame of mind. Even the crap going on a work today wasn't enough to pull me down. No mean feat as work has the capability of stressing me out big time.

Yay!!!!!

Good news so far!

Well I'm very very happy to report that all 10 eggs were considered good enough to try and fertilise. Of the 10, 9 have fertilised! Last time we got 12 eggs, 7 fertilised and we ended up with 5 embryos, so things are looking better so far this time.

Happy girl! (apart from quite a bit of pain today)

Ten eggs

Yep, they retrieved 10 eggs at OPU this morning. Much better that I was expecting but I haven't yet found out how many are any good. I'm sure there will be some that are immature and some over mature. Now to play the waiting game again! All this waiting is doing my head in. It's a challenge when you are the most impatient person in the world!

OPU booked in!

Todays scan was a bit better. I have about eight follicles that look like they might be ok. So I did my trigger shot tonight and ovum pick up is on Wednesday.

Fingers crossed!

Scanning and waiting...

Just a little update. I had a scna yesterday to see how my lining is going and how many follicles are growing. I was kinda disappointed though. My LHS ovary has only produced one follicle and it is 15mm. And it really HURTS! My other ovary has produced two 12mm follicles and four that are under 10mm. I was hoping for more, and that they would be more uniform in growth. Scanning again on Monday to see how things are progressing. My lining is trilaminar and 10mm and so I am happy with that.

First injection tonight!

So I've started my next ivf cycle! Feeling a lot better after a crappy month or so. My HCG was "less than 2" yesterday and AF also arrived at last (one week late). So glad to be getting on with things!

I'm doing a "flare cycle", where I do Gonal-f injections from Day 2 (today) and then add in an injection of Centrotide from Day 6. My scan is next Friday (Day 10) to see how many follicles I am growing and how big they are. Hopefully a decent number (but not too many!) and a decent and uniform size.

Unlike a lot (most?) clinics, mine is light-on on the scans and also doesn't do blood tests for estrogen etc. But sometimes (not very often mind you) I think that isn't such a bad thing, less to know is less to worry about. But other times I think that knowledge is power and I'm one of those people who is info-hungry. I research almost EVERYTHING I do, and don't like the unknown. According to a recent Myers Briggs personality testing I did (at a uni course I'm doing) I'm a natural planner. Kinda good since I am the Manager (Program Planning) where I work. But it does make life difficult at times, especially when infertility means I can't plan the MAJOR part of my life where I was supposed to have finished having my babies by now.

But we're working on it...

Not much news

So today my hcg level was 10. It has dropped from 11 two days ago. Big whoop. So over this, beginning to get really cynical and hard-nosed. At the moment I don't give a fuck about anything or anyone except DH. He is the only light in my life at the moment and without him, I truly think I wouldn't have much going for me.

Sorry for this post, I really shouldn't be writing anything when I am feeling so awfully terrible and pathetic. I'm sure things must get better tomorrow.

BTW, I had to tell the nurse how things should proceed from here. She was umming and ahhing about what to do. I said I'd ring when AF turned up or she didn't show I should get another hcg test in a week. She said that sounded like a good idea. It's sad I know so well now what the process is. Mind you, my hcg levls have usually made it to the hundreds or thousands before fading away! At least the uncertainty didn't last as long this time.

Update on HCG level

Just thought I'd let you know that my hcg level today at 16dpo was 11. Way, way too low. My Progesterone (I asked to have it checked) was 19.5. I have to have another blood test on Monday to make sure it's falling. But of course I did another hpt today and it was slightly darker. I just want it to go down, but now I'm worried it will keep going slowly up and this will be another painful, drawn out process. I am crossing my fingers that it isn't an ectopic.

This stressful life

I haven't posted for ages. Life is pretty stressful lately so I really have nothing much positive to post. I feel like a whinger when I just do negative posts, but I don't think things are going to get much better any time soon, so I'm posting now.

We had a really bad weekend a couple of weeks ago. On the Friday night we got a call from DH's8yo son who lives with us 50% of the time and the other 50% with his mum and his stepdad. His stepdad had lost his temper and hit him. Long story short, his mum and him ended up at our house that night and the police became involved. My stepson is living with us fulltime now u til things are sorted out. Love having him, but things are pretty stressfull.

On the Sunday of the same weekend we popped out to the supermarket and came home 40 minutes later to a flooded house. A pipe had burst in the upstairs ensuite and flooded half of the house. The insurance company have been great and we are slowly getting thing fixed. We had to move out for a couple of nights as the water had got into the electrics in the ceiling downstairs and it was unsafe.

Lastly, I have been away in Western Australia this week for work and on my first night there I did a HPT and got an extremely faint BFP. I was so so excited as this month we've been on a break so it was a natural BFP. I didn't think they were possible anymore. But it looks like it is going to be a chemical. The line got slightly darker the next day, then lighter again yesterday. I'm now 15dpo and no AF but should have a nice dark line by now. I'm going for a blood test tomorrow. I think my hcg will be back to zero by then.

It's made me really sad. I've been pregnant 5 times now and still no baby. I think there's something wrong that is making the embryos not be able to implant. I am sick of the feelings of excitement and hope being followed by these feelings af sadness, anger and desparation.

Don't I care enough?

I'm sitting here with my glass of wine and not worrying about what I've been eating or how little exercies I've done lately. I'm incredibly overweight (clinically severely obese to be precise). Why don't I care enough to actually lose some weight? I KNOW that my chances of having a baby would be increased if I actually got closer to a healthier weight. Why can't I just make myself lose weight?

I've always been overweight and I first visited weight watchers with my mum when I was 13. I lost almost 10kg and was incredibly proud of myself. A year later I'd put it all back on and a little more. Ever since then I've been yo-yo dieting and have tired just about every weight loss program there is. I've never lost enough to actually feel like it was completely worthwhile. It takes so long and then I plateau and lose all my inspiration. Now it feels like I have so much to lose that I could never possibly achieve it. My gorgeous DH says he loves me just the way I am (and he really means it I think) so not much pushing coming from there. My FS, GP and obs have all said that it wouldn't hurt to lose some weight, but they have all said they don't think my weight has contributed to my infertility issues or caused my miscarriages. I'm getting fatter every year. It has to stop!!! I don't know what to do. :-(

Next steps

As I said before, we've got no more frozen embryos left. I really hadn't thought past what would happen if we got through all our frosties and still weren't pregnant. I thought for sure that I'd be grinning my way through a pregnancy by now. But not to be, so it's back to do another "fresh" cycle.

I rang the clinic yesterday to let them know that my period had arrived. A couple of hours later one of the nurses rang back to tell me that my FS had suggested I go straight into a flare cycle, which would mean starting my injections today. But I'm just getting over a very nasty flu and now I have a chest infection, so we decided to wait another month until I am really well again. It really wasn't an easy decision to make, as both DH and I hate waiting and are both very impatient. I hate "wasting" another month, but we had to make the sensible decision.

So now I am going to concentrate on getting well again and maybe even losing a couple of kg. I haven't been this sick for a long time and have had 8 days off work with it. So I think it will take me a bit of time to recover. One thing I am really having to learn on this infertility journey is patience! Certainly not one of my strengths, but I don't have much choice.

No good

My period arrived today so this transfer of two embryos didn't work. Back to square one as they were our last frozen embryo's. Feeling very very low.

Two on board!

Well, transfer went well today. Both our frosties thawed well and apparently had divided more since they took them out of the freezer. So we're feeling cautiously positive.

After transfer I bought a beatrix potter baby book. It is so cute and I really hope I get to write in it soon. It's our good luck charm.

Will keep you posted!

Onto the next FET!

It's been so long since I posted that I had to go back and look what I had last written. Of course, as I thought, my last FET did turn out to be a BFN. It was disappointing (to put it mildly) after all the extra effort (not to mention $$) we had put into that cycle. To add to the misery, AF was three days late, I guess due to the pregnyl. And of course she arrived the day we left for our holiday (how typical!!).

Our holiday was lovely. We ate too much, drank too much and spent too much. But we both RELAXED, which was something I feel we haven't done much of at all over the last six months or so. This week hasn't been quite as relaxing as I've had an assignment hanging over my head due in a couple of days and I just can't seem to get stuck into it. So I haven't achieved much at all this week, apart from stressing about an assignment I have made hardly any progress on.

Anyway, we're about to have our next frozen embryo transfer, which I am getting excited about. I had a scan yesterday and it showed a 5mm lining (a bit thin I thought but my FS and the nurse both said it was fine). It also showed a 14-16mm follicle on the RH ovary. Based on the size, they thought I'd get my LH surge (signifying I'm about to ovulate) on Monday, but I had it today. I wasn't expecting it, so I didn't do a test for it until 11:30am and got a shock that it was positive! I had to rush into the clinic to pick up a blood test request form and get bloods taken before the clinic and lab closed at 12:00 and 12:30 respectively.

So transfer looks like it will be on Wednesday. This time I'm having two embryos transferred, so I'm kinda excited (and a bit nervous) about that. It's the last two that I have in the freezer and they are lower quality than the ones we have transferred so far. So really, probably not great chances of one sticking, let alone two, but that won't stop me from getting excited about it! I'd really like to get the embryos transferred then forget about it for two weeks, but who am I kidding? I know I will think about it at least 10 times an hour, every waking hour until testing time. Anyone got any tips for setting and forgetting?

Here comes that sinking feeling

I had my last hcg injection on Sunday and decided to test daily to see the pregnyl leave my system and hopefully then see the "real" hcg line coming in. The tests have been fading very slowly and today the line is very almost completely gone. And I am 13dpo (or 10dp3dt) so I should have had a line by now if this one had stuck. Even with all my miscarriages I have had a definite line by 13dpo (yes, serial POAS addict here). So I'm feeling a bit (no, a lot) bummed because I know what is coming. My husband is still remaining positive, as is his "half-full" attitude to life (I wish I had that outlook!). Official test day is another 6 days away, but I'm already thinking about my next cycle and hoping AF isn't delayed by the pregnyl shots.

Not helping how I am feeling is that yesterday was our first wedding anniversary and we had to spend it apart. I am currently in Brisbane and was in a long (8:00 - 17:45) and boring meeting all day yesterday. Thank goodness I am flying home today!

But good things to look forward to...
I have one more day of work tomorrow then I am on two weeks holidays! For the first week we are going to NSW and spending time in Sydney, the Blue Mountains and the Hunter Valley (at least I'll be able to taste some wine!). The second week we will puddle around at home as we have my stepson with us that week and he is at school so we can't stray too far. I'm hoping to get some things done in the garden as it needs a lots of work. Might even paint a room...

Anyway, sorry if this has been a bit of a negative post. You would think I would get used to bad news after 27 months of TTC!

You have a name already

We can't help ourselves. Everytime I get pregnant or have an embryo transferred we end up giving the embryo a name. So far names have included Blob, Pip, Poppy, Speck and Jellybean. I can't remember the others. This time, the name Popsicle seems to have stuck. My husband asks me several times a day how Popsicle and I are doing. He puts his head on my tummy and tells Popsicle how much we love her/him and want her/him. I love that he does and says these things.

On Monday night while he was at work, he sent this email:

Hello my Popsicle

I am sitting here thinking about you in your Mothers beautiful womb. To you I say feel the love she and I have for you, let it welcome and nourish you. Be safe with the knowledge that you are the miracle we pray for, stay with us and we promise you our love and devotion. Hear my voice and listen to words of warmth, comfort and love. So to you me little popsicle I say stay and grow and be with us. I ask your mum to read this aloud to you, so you know I am thinking of you in my mind, heart and soul.

All my love and self
Dad

He is already a wonderful dad to his son, but I can't wait to make him a dad to OUR children. He is fantastic.

By the way, we have actually got a real names picked out, but of course we can't use those until we get a sticky bub. Hopefully soon!

I'm PUPO!

So I'm Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.

I've had a fairly cruisey day, which is just what I needed. My lovely husband brought me a cup of tea in bed, then we got ready and headed in for my acupuncture session, dropping my stepson at school on the way. Then into the clinic to wait for our appointment. They were only running 30 minutes late today, which isn't too bad by their standards. My FS is just so busy and there's really not many options in Tassie (only one clinic) so the waiting room is mostly always full.

This time I asked to know more about the quality of our embryo. It was a six cell, but only grade 3 (I think at my clinic the top grade is 5). So I was a bit disappointed that it wasn't graded better, but it had apparently grown more cells since it was defrosted yesterday, so that is something. My FS is a believer that it is how well the embryo divides that counts, not the grade. He says it's not always the pretty ones that succeed (does that apply to life too I wonder?). So I will try and take comfort from that, but not having a grade 5 doesn't sit well with my perfectionist take on life.

Anyway, we were in and out within five minutes with our embryo tucked in safe and sound. Then we saw a nurse to get my first pregnyl injection. I'm having pregnyl (HCG) shots to hopefully elevate my progesterone levels and give the frostie a good chance. I didn't use this last time, so hopefully it makes a difference. I have to give myself another injection of pregnyl on Thursday and Sunday. The thing with using pregnyl is that you can't take a sneaky pregnancy test early as the hcg will give you a false positive. This is going to be so hard for me. Test date is 16 days away - how am I going to keep my sanity for that long??? I've been an early tester since we started TTC. I have a stash of internet cheapie pregnancy tests to feed my addiction! Last time I got a BFP only 6 days after transfer.

Anyway, after that was another acupuncture session (with a quick browse around Myer to kill some time before) then a lovely leisurely lunch at one of our favourite haunts. Home to watch a DVD in bed (told you I had a cruisey day!) and now I'm kicking back on the couch watching some tv.

So, please cross your fingers and toes for me, as I will for you. I hope to have good news to share with you on the 11th August!

The blood collector

When you do ivf, you generally have to have lots of blood tests (as you may know from first hand experience). I normally don't mind this. I'm not particularly worried about needles or the sight of blood. The collection centre that I normally go to has a number of blood collectors that cycle through. Most of them are great and I'm in and out in a few minutes. But there is one lady who awful at taking blood and I get nervous as soon as I see it's her on the job when I visit. My last visit on Friday was the worst so far.

The wait for my turn takes ages. I don't mind waiting, but there are only two people ahead of me and the first takes 20 minutes and the second 15 minutes. Maybe they were having lots of samples taken, but I somehow doubt it, she is just very slow. Finally my turn. The lady fusses around slowly getting everything ready. She is very chatty and friendly, but this seems to slow her down even more. She puts the tourniquet on one arm and makes me pump my hand while she pokes and prods. She tells me I have "terrible veins" (she tells me this every time, no one else ever seems to have a problem with them). Then she decides my other arm might be better and repeats the same on the other side. Nope, no better, so back to the first arm she goes. By now my arm was beginning to throb and go purple as she has the band on so tight. Then she tells me she's not "allowed" to get blood from deep veins, only from the ones near the surface as she hasn't had much training and experience. Eeek! She also tells me she feels she shouldn't have to work at this particular centre as she gets all the ivf patients who have terrible veins from having to have so many blood tests all the time.

Finally she goes for the jab and misses. Wiggles it around a bit and still nothing (just pain!). After all this (about 15 minutes worth), she rings her supervisor who comes in and has blood out of me within 60 seconds. I finally leave only to find a parking ticket as it has taken so long! I'm feeling really quite upset and stressed by now.

Normally I am not a complainer about bad service or products. I just don't go back and find somewhere else. But in this case, there are not many options, I can't really shop around. So in the end I rang up her supervisor and discussed my experiences with her (keep in mind that I've had blood collected from the collector a number of times and it has been awful each time). I feel bad for complaining about her as she seems to be a very nice person. But I just can't go through that each time I have to have blood taken. IVF is stressful enough without adding anything more to the mix! We've come to a bit of an arrangement where I can ring and see who's on before I go in. If it's her, then someone else will come in to take my blood.

Now I feel mean for dobbing on her. And I hope I don't run into her anyway, as she probably thinks I'm a whinging cow.

Just an update

I had planned to write a new post every day or at least every second day, but somehow it just hasn't happened this week. It was (yet another) busy week at work, plus we have my stepson with us this week, which also makes things busier.

On Monday we are having a frostie transferred. Last Wednesday I had another scan. I was very nervous that there would be no follicle and that my cycle would be delayed and all would happen when I'm supposed to be travelling for work in a couple of weeks. But it was fine. I had a 17mm follicle on my left ovary. My FS said my lining was excellent and was "trilaminar". Of course I really didn't know what that was until I came home and consulted Dr Google. Apparently your lining is best if it shows three distinct layers when seen on an ultrasounds. Studies have shown rates of successful pregnancies are higher when a trilaminar lining is seen before transfer. So that's good news.

I had another acupuncture session a couple of days ago. My acupuncturist is so lovely and I feel pretty comfortable around her, but somehow I'm not finding acupuncture as relaxing as I thought I would. Friends have told me how they get really relaxed and one even falls asleep regularly while on the table with needles poking out everywhere!

So back to Monday. This cycle I decided I would take the day of transfer off work. Last time, I had my transfer after a morning meeting at work, then had to go straight back afterwards for another meeting. It wasn't a relaxing day! I am also having acupuncture straight before my transfer and then straight after. I'm still taking the foul smelling and tasting chinese herbs. The mix I'm taking now (from ovulation to transfer) are particularly disgusting. Almost gag stuff.

So fingers crossed this is all not for nothing again!

Choosing infertility

Something I sometimes think about is whether it is worse to be able to get pregnant but always miscarriage or to not be able to get pregnant at all? Don't ask me why I think about this, it's not like you get to choose what type of infertility problems you might have.

I'm a "get pregnant but always miscarriage" type of infertile. This I find is such a huge roller coaster of emotions that it is utterly exhausting. I've been pregnant four times now and each time, I get excited. I just cannot stop myself feeling a little bubble of hope that grows bigger each day. I start thinking about the due date, when I will finish work, what things we will need to buy and on it goes. I know deep down that the chances aren't good, but my internal optimist always takes over and my imagination of life with this baby kicks into gear. The first time I was pregnant there was no doubts in my mind - I was pregnant and we would have a baby in less than 9 months time. Big crash back down to earth when we lost it. Each time I've been pregnant since, the optimist in me has been a little less enthusiastic. But the elation and hope that I feel each time I see two lines on that little stick always takes me sky high...and it is a long drop back down the other side when I inevitably lose the bub.

On the other hand, how would it feel to struggle to actually even get pregnant? You wouldn't get that excitement of seeing two lines on the stick and all the dreams that go with it, so I guess the roller coaster ride wouldn't be so high? Lot's more lows though I imagine and more doubt? I don't know.

All I do know is that being infertile sucks, whichever way you have it.

Me, The Infertile One

So now I have finally met the man of my dreams, I think life should all fall into place. He is just as excited as I am about starting our family. He already has a son from a previous marriage who is 7 years old. I think my relationship with my stepson is about as good as they get. He lives with us week on/week off. He's a pretty great kid and I love him to bits, but he's just not mine. He already has a mum and a dad and my place is as his step mum. So although he does fill some of the void in my life that is reserved for my children, it is not quite the same. I'm sure anyone in the same situation knows what I mean or if you're not, you can probably imagine how I feel.

Anyway, we get busy in May 2008 and expect that I will be pregnant within a few months. It does take a few months, but in September I get two lines on my pee stick. I'm pregnant!! A blood test confirms the result and we excitedly tell both our families, along with some close friends. The elation doesn't last long. A couple of weeks later, I start bleeding and blood tests and a scan confirm a miscarriage. We are both devastated. I had never considered that I would have a miscarriage, that only happened to the really unlucky people right?

We try again. We decided we were just unlucky and the next one would stick just fine. A few months later and bingo! Pregnant again! This time, I'm nervous and anxious. My GP orders repeat blood test to check that the HCG levels are rising properly, but although they are rising, they are not going up quickly enough. As expected, we lose this one too at the same stage as the last.

I'm beginning to feel like something is wrong. I go and see an obstetrician and ask him to investigate. Although they normally don't do testing until after three miscarriages, he agrees to check things out and gives me an examination and orders lots of blood tests. Everything comes back normal.

Feeling relieved, we try again. Surely it will be third time lucky? I fall pregnant again, and this time things are looking much better. My blood tests should great rises and I make it past the stage I have miscarried before. It is now July 2009 and we go for our first appointment with the obstetrician. It is two days before we are due to fly to Vanuatu to get married and I am 7 weeks pregnant. We chat to the obstetrician about how I am feeling, which hospital we want to have the baby at and what the process is during my pregnancy for scans and appointments. Then it's time for the scan. I lie on the table as the doctor probes around with the dildo cam. He is quiet and a slight frown appears. He can't find anything in my uterus. Then he finds the bub with a strongly beating heart. It is measuring perfectly, but it's in the wrong place. It's in my right fallopian tube.

I'd been ignoring the pain on my right side for a few days, thinking I was just feeling normal twinges. An hours after my appointment I am rushed into emergency surgery as the pain worsens. My tube has ruptured and I have some internal bleeding. I lose my tube and my baby. I also lose a little more hope.

Hubby is a trooper all the way through this. He is there for me after surgery, looking after me and letting me grieve. He postpones our wedding trip and we leave a week later than expected. Our trip is not what it should have been. I am still recovering physically and am still on strong painkillers. My husband has been so strong for me and is now feeling the effects. He is sad and quiet for much of the trip. Our wedding day is joyous, but we still feel the pain of our loss overhanging us.

When we return home, we visit the obstetrician to talk about next steps. He tells us that my remaining tube is scarred and kinked as a result. There is a high chance of another ectopic. I have surgery in December 2009 to see if he can clear up the tube, and he does manage to remove some of the adhesions, but suggests that time is short and we should consider IVF as our chances of conceiving are not good.

We see a Fertility Specialist (FS) and start IVF in March 2010. I am excited and nervous. The cycle goes well and I produce 12 eggs. Out of the 12, 5 fertilise successfully. We transfer one in early April and four are frozen. I am feeling confident. I am going to be one of those lucky ones who are successful first go! It's not the case, and I'm devastated when Auntie Flo arrives.

Normally you have to wait one cycle before trying again. The FS agrees to let us try again with a frozen embryo on the next cycle (I am not good at waiting). We have an embryo transferred in early April. Being the impatient person I am, I pee on a pregnancy test 6 days later at 9dpo. There is a barely visible line! The next day it is much darker. I am pregnant!! I'm not supposed to have tested yet (not until 16dpo) so I keep secretly testing for the next 6 days to see the line darken. It does darken, but I don't think enough, so I finally ring the clinic at 15dpo and confess to my testing. They do a blood test and my HCG is at 96. They are not confident and neither am I. Two days later it is 155 (it's supposed to double every two days). We keep testing every two days - 258, 346. I madly search the internet for success stories with slowly rising HCG levels. There are some and they give me a tiny bit of hope. Finally at 5 weeks 5 days, I have a scan. A sac and fetal pole should be visible by now and possibly a beating heart. There is nothing but a tiny sac, way too small. I am prescribed misoprostel to bring on a miscarriage and I start bleeding heavily two days later in early May 2010.

So this brings me to now, July. We've had a month off to recover from the last miscarriage and had more testing done to see if the FS could find any reason for our losses. Again, nothing found. We are doing another Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) this month. I am pulling out all the stops and have started acupuncture and nasty tasting chinese herbs. My scan yesterday showed only a 5mm lining and no follicles yet developing. I am so impatient, I just want to get on with it. Hurry up body and grow a nice juicy lining and get ready to ovulate!

Life so far

I've been reading other peoples blogs for a while now and thought I might give it a go myself. I'm not sure why I want to, I haven't got a thrilling or exciting life to share with you all. I guess this is more for me. Somewhere to get my thoughts out of my head. Sometimes I feel like I don't have anywhere where I can truly express myself. I always temper what I'm saying depending on who I am speaking or writing to. Here, I am going to be selfish and write exactly what I like and not pretend for anyone. So this probably means that some days this will just be a whinging place for me, other days I will want to boast about something and other days I'll probably have nothing much to say at all.

Most of my posting will probably be about the thing in my life that is really sucky...my struggles with infertility. This is the main thing that takes up my thoughts each day.

I thought I'd start by telling you a bit about how I got to be where I am today. The following will probably bore your socks off, but I think my background has really shaped how I am today.

When I was growing up, I had my life all mapped out. I'd go to uni when I finished school, have some fun, get a lovely boyfriend, finish uni, get a great job, marry the lovely boyfriend, buy a house and then have two kids. By the age of 30 we'd be living comfortably - my wonderful husband, perfect childen and a dog or two.

Now back to reality. When I finished school I still wasn't completely convinced of the career I wanted. I um'd and ah'd and finally decided I'd be an architect. So off to uni I went. Only thing was, I wasn't that good at it and there was too much fun to be had. I like to do things I'm good at and wasn't used to being in the bottom half of the class. So after scraping through first year, I decided to defer for a year and have a bit of a think about if this was the right thing to be doing. In my year off I went on the dole, did a bit of casual work and had a lot of fun drinking way too much and generally being completely irresponsible. After my year of frivolity, back to uni I went and lasted about 6 weeks before chucking in the towel. My parents were disappointed in me. I was a bit disappointed in me too, but I was young, right? Heaps of time left to be sensible and knuckle down.

I spent another year having fun - boys, drinking and partying. By this time I was beginning to realise that I really had better get on with it. I was sick of being broke and felt like my brain was beginning to get a bit soggy. Decided on another career path and back to uni I went.

About this time I met a lovely sensible young man. He had a sensible well-paid job and owned a sensible car. I met him while he was on holidays in my city - he lived in Sydney, a couple of hours away on a plane. We started a whirlwind romance, with him flying in every 2 or 3 weeks to spend weekends with me. Three hours phonecalls every night and romantic love letters in the mail every few days. I decided he was The One and six months after meeting him, I pulled up roots, transferred uni's and moved to Sydney to be with him. Another six months later at age 23 we got married.

Living in Sydney wasn't all I expected it to be. I missed my friends and family terribly. I made some friends at uni, but we all lived so far apart that we hardly saw each other outside uni. I was also older than most of the others beacuse I'd stuffed around for a few years. We had "couple friends", mostly people my husband worked with and their wives/girlfriends.

I started getting clucky and we agreed that we'd start a family after I'd finished uni and worked for a year. We also planned to move back to my home town at the end of my degree. I finished uni and we both looked for jobs in my hometown. Nothing, hardly even anything either of us could apply for. Then, my husband was offered a promotion and I was offered a scholarship to do my PhD (both in Sydney). Without any other opportunities on the horizon, we decided I would do my PhD and he would take the promotion, then we would move to "back home" after I completed.

Three years passed where I tried to suppress my loudly ticking bodyclock and convince myself we'd made the right decision. I was writing up my PhD thesis when my husband finally got a job back home. It was a very exciting time! We sold our house and made the big move. We bought a lovely house and I set about finishing my PhD while working part-time in a coffee shop. Once my PhD was complete, I worked full-time in the coffee shop whileI looked and looked for a career job. Nothing, no one wanted me. I eventually got a base-grade government position.

I worked hard and quickly made my way through several promotions. Meanwhile I was desperate to start our family. My husband kept stalling, "just work one more year" and "let's just pay a bit more off the house" were some of the excuses. Eventually he said he was ready! We decided we'd start trying after our next holiday. I went off the pill and started taking pregnancy vitamins. Finally, it was going to happen!!

Two weeks before we were due to go on our big holiday, my husband sat me down and told me he was leaving me for someone else, a colleague. I was shocked to my very core. I didn't see it coming at all and thought that we were in a pretty good place in our relationship after almost 10 years of marriage. My world came tumbling down and I was close to suicidal for several weeks. He moved in with his new girlfriend to add salt to the wound. A month later he asked me to say we'd been split up for a year already so we could get a quick divorce and they could marry sooner. She didn't want to start a family until they we married!!

Eventually I pulled myself together and made a fresh start. After a while it was actually quite nice to be single again. I came to realise how unsuited we had been. I didn't have my own life as he didn't like me going out without him. He had treated me reasonably well, but was always trying to change me. In particular he was forever trying to make me lose weight. At the time, I thought it was for my benefit, but looking back I can see he was embarrased by me and I wasn't the beautiful, sexy wife on his arm that he wanted. His new love was a dancer - slim, graceful and always beautifully manicured.

I made the scary move of registering on an online dating site. Not something I ever thought I would do! I went on quite a few dates and met some nice guys (and some not-so-nice ones). No one special. I had decided I would give up on the online game when in a last ditch attempt I sent a message to nice-looking guy. He responded and we exchanged a couple of emails. We soon met up and that was the beginning of something very very special.

He brings out the best in me. He treats me like a princess and spoils me rotten. He is my best friend. He makes me feel like no one ever has before. He makes me feel beautiful and sexy. He loves me for who I am and never tries to change me. He is The One.

We met in December 2007. In February 2008 we moved in together. In May 2008 we started trying for a baby. We were married in August 2009. Yes, we moved very quickly, but we were just so sure we were meant to be together and didn't want to waste any more time. I truly believe that we will be together until one of us hops off the twig. I never knew love could be like this.