So now I have finally met the man of my dreams, I think life should all fall into place. He is just as excited as I am about starting our family. He already has a son from a previous marriage who is 7 years old. I think my relationship with my stepson is about as good as they get. He lives with us week on/week off. He's a pretty great kid and I love him to bits, but he's just not mine. He already has a mum and a dad and my place is as his step mum. So although he does fill some of the void in my life that is reserved for my children, it is not quite the same. I'm sure anyone in the same situation knows what I mean or if you're not, you can probably imagine how I feel.
Anyway, we get busy in May 2008 and expect that I will be pregnant within a few months. It does take a few months, but in September I get two lines on my pee stick. I'm pregnant!! A blood test confirms the result and we excitedly tell both our families, along with some close friends. The elation doesn't last long. A couple of weeks later, I start bleeding and blood tests and a scan confirm a miscarriage. We are both devastated. I had never considered that I would have a miscarriage, that only happened to the really unlucky people right?
We try again. We decided we were just unlucky and the next one would stick just fine. A few months later and bingo! Pregnant again! This time, I'm nervous and anxious. My GP orders repeat blood test to check that the HCG levels are rising properly, but although they are rising, they are not going up quickly enough. As expected, we lose this one too at the same stage as the last.
I'm beginning to feel like something is wrong. I go and see an obstetrician and ask him to investigate. Although they normally don't do testing until after three miscarriages, he agrees to check things out and gives me an examination and orders lots of blood tests. Everything comes back normal.
Feeling relieved, we try again. Surely it will be third time lucky? I fall pregnant again, and this time things are looking much better. My blood tests should great rises and I make it past the stage I have miscarried before. It is now July 2009 and we go for our first appointment with the obstetrician. It is two days before we are due to fly to Vanuatu to get married and I am 7 weeks pregnant. We chat to the obstetrician about how I am feeling, which hospital we want to have the baby at and what the process is during my pregnancy for scans and appointments. Then it's time for the scan. I lie on the table as the doctor probes around with the dildo cam. He is quiet and a slight frown appears. He can't find anything in my uterus. Then he finds the bub with a strongly beating heart. It is measuring perfectly, but it's in the wrong place. It's in my right fallopian tube.
I'd been ignoring the pain on my right side for a few days, thinking I was just feeling normal twinges. An hours after my appointment I am rushed into emergency surgery as the pain worsens. My tube has ruptured and I have some internal bleeding. I lose my tube and my baby. I also lose a little more hope.
Hubby is a trooper all the way through this. He is there for me after surgery, looking after me and letting me grieve. He postpones our wedding trip and we leave a week later than expected. Our trip is not what it should have been. I am still recovering physically and am still on strong painkillers. My husband has been so strong for me and is now feeling the effects. He is sad and quiet for much of the trip. Our wedding day is joyous, but we still feel the pain of our loss overhanging us.
When we return home, we visit the obstetrician to talk about next steps. He tells us that my remaining tube is scarred and kinked as a result. There is a high chance of another ectopic. I have surgery in December 2009 to see if he can clear up the tube, and he does manage to remove some of the adhesions, but suggests that time is short and we should consider IVF as our chances of conceiving are not good.
We see a Fertility Specialist (FS) and start IVF in March 2010. I am excited and nervous. The cycle goes well and I produce 12 eggs. Out of the 12, 5 fertilise successfully. We transfer one in early April and four are frozen. I am feeling confident. I am going to be one of those lucky ones who are successful first go! It's not the case, and I'm devastated when Auntie Flo arrives.
Normally you have to wait one cycle before trying again. The FS agrees to let us try again with a frozen embryo on the next cycle (I am not good at waiting). We have an embryo transferred in early April. Being the impatient person I am, I pee on a pregnancy test 6 days later at 9dpo. There is a barely visible line! The next day it is much darker. I am pregnant!! I'm not supposed to have tested yet (not until 16dpo) so I keep secretly testing for the next 6 days to see the line darken. It does darken, but I don't think enough, so I finally ring the clinic at 15dpo and confess to my testing. They do a blood test and my HCG is at 96. They are not confident and neither am I. Two days later it is 155 (it's supposed to double every two days). We keep testing every two days - 258, 346. I madly search the internet for success stories with slowly rising HCG levels. There are some and they give me a tiny bit of hope. Finally at 5 weeks 5 days, I have a scan. A sac and fetal pole should be visible by now and possibly a beating heart. There is nothing but a tiny sac, way too small. I am prescribed misoprostel to bring on a miscarriage and I start bleeding heavily two days later in early May 2010.
So this brings me to now, July. We've had a month off to recover from the last miscarriage and had more testing done to see if the FS could find any reason for our losses. Again, nothing found. We are doing another Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) this month. I am pulling out all the stops and have started acupuncture and nasty tasting chinese herbs. My scan yesterday showed only a 5mm lining and no follicles yet developing. I am so impatient, I just want to get on with it. Hurry up body and grow a nice juicy lining and get ready to ovulate!
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