6w5d scan update

So we went for our appointment and sat waiting nervously in the waiting room. Our RE came in to call the people ahead of us and said to us at the same time, "Bad news, the ultrasound machine is only working sporadically." So then we had tio wait wondering if we were going to get a scan or not. I was almost in tears thinking about it. Finally it was our turn and he called us in and said it wouldn't boot up and did we want to have a scan with the ancient machine he kept for emergencies? Of course, a scan with a crappy machine would be better than nothing. But as he was firing up the old one, suddenly his normal one sprang into life. He said, "Quick, get undressed before it dies!" so I whipped my trousers and knickers off and jumped on the table.

We still have a bub with a beating heart! He measured it at 128bpm, then a couple of minutes later at 123bpm. Apparently all good. He measured the embryo at 7w0d, then a couple of minutes later at 6w4d (the machine wasn't behaving wonderfully so it was quite a grainy image), so all good there too. He then tried to save us some pictures on a USB, but the machine chose to die right at that moment. But that's ok, the main thing is that we got to have a scan and it's all looking good!! Bubs has positioned itself in a great spot high up in my uterus. I'm on cloud nine right now. I know we're not through the danger period, but this is the furthest we have ever got, so we are stoked!

Now I still can't concentrate on work as I'm too excited! Very non-productive day workwise, but super productive in my happiness levels. :-)

Scan in 1.5 hours

I've been wishing today away, looking at my watch constantly. My scan is at 2:30pm today. I am so so nervous but also so so excited. I'm not sure how I should be feeling. We are going to be absolutely thrilled if there is a heartbeat and the measurements are ok. But completely devastated if things don't look good. I haven't been thinking about that possibility. Just trying to remain positive.

My boobs aren't really sore anymore, just a little bit every now and then. But I have been feeling queasy most days, although not badly. I find I need to eat regularly or else I feel sick. Hoping this is a good sign!

Will keep you posted...

:-)

It was a super-dooper quick scan, but that's ok because we got to see a teeny tiny heart beat! At first we could only see the sac and a bit of a blob. But after maybe 10 seconds of looking (the longest 10 seconds of my life!) he said "There it is!" Of course it immediately disappeared, probably because I suddenly had to breathe very deeply. Then he took another 20 seonds to find it again (with me trying to hold my breath and not move at all) and we could see a few pixels flashing on and off at the bottom of the sac.

I think I was in shock afterwards and I couldn't talk or I would have burst into tears as we walked down the street. Now I'm feeling pretty happy (oh these rollercoaster emotions!).

We still get another scan on Monday (on a different machine in his office, apparently better for early pregnancy scans). He said he'll measure the heart rate then and we'll get a print out of a picture of our little grain of rice.

Big Breaths!!

Eeeeeeeekkkkkk!!!!!

OMG, my RE just sent me a txt saying, "if you are anxious and would like a scan tomorrow, I'll be at the clinic at 10am. Just rock up. It's a little early but if we see a heart beat we'll all be a little happier". I guess he's been reading the nurse's notes on my freak out on Monday. Of course I'm going to go in but I'm feeling very nervous about it. What if there's no heartbeat? I know it could be too early to see a heartbeat, but if we don't see one then we're going to feel a whole lot worse. If we do see one, then we're going to feel a whole lot better. Aaaaarghhhhhh!!

And the last sentence of his txt makes me think that he is also concerned this pregnancy isn't going to be viable. Hmmmm.

Mini meltdown

So yesterday I was 5w4d, which is quite a significant milestone for me. It's the day I miscarried my first two pregnancies and also the day I had an imminent miscarriage confirmed by ultrasound for my fourth pregnancy. We did quite well in keeping our minds off it. We cleaned the house Sunday morning, then mum and dad came over for a cuppa. Afterwards we popped out to the supermarket (exciting I know). In the arvo some friends came to visit with their 5 month old baby (very cute, lots of smiling and gooing). DH was on nightshift, so he left after an early dinner and I lazed in front of the tv.

A little while later I realised my boobs had stopped hurting COMPLETELY. Two hours earlier they had definitely been hurting. I completely freaked out and stupidly consulted Dr Google (why do I do that?). Of course I came across heaps of stories when this had happened to others and it had ended up being a miscarriage. I suppose there was probably quite a few stories where things didn't end in miscarriage, but in my freaking-out state I didn't take much notice of those. When DH rang to say hi, I immediately burst into tears and hysterically told him I was no doubt about to have a miscarriage. Luckily he is much more sensible than I am and managed to calm me down enough that I could eventually go to sleep. Of course I had awful miscarriage dreams and didn't wake up refreshed at all.

Today I called into the clinic on my way to work to ask for another blood test (boobs very slightly tender but still not sore like they had been). As soon as the nurse asked me what was wrong, I immediately burst into tears (again, how embarrassing!). Of course she let me have another blood test done and also gave me a medical certificate as I was in no state to go to work. I went and got my blood drawn., The poor young bloke didn't know how to handle a shaking 36y.o. woman with puffy red eyes. He took my sample in record time and I was straight back out the door. It wasn't til I got to the car that I realised my arm was bleeding profusely and my shirt sleeve was covered in blood. It eventually stopped with a huge wad of tissues from my handbag, but I was then really glad I was going home and not to work. I would have had to go home and change before going to work anyway.

After an excrutiating wait for the phone to ring, I couldn't wait any longer and I rang the clinic at 1pm. Answering machine! I left a pathetic message and then sat and waited for the call back. It seemed to take forever, and I was imagining that the nurses were drawing straws to see who was the unlucky one who had to ring up the crazy one to tell her that her HCG levels had dropped. Finally the phone rang and I almost passed out when the nurse told me my levels were absolutely fine. I had to ask her to repeat herself! So they were 7793, up from 1263 on Wednesday. They had doubled at a rate of every 46 hours. I really was expecting the worst and it was such a shock to hear they were ok!

I hope now I can make it to my scan in six sleeps without having another meltdown. Small steps! I'm sure the last 24 hours have caused me my first grey hairs. I can't believe how stressed I let myself get.

Sore boobies make me happy!

I never thought I'd be so happy to have sore boobs. They started hurting from my trigger shot, but stopped quite suddenly at about 11dpo. For about a week, absolutely no pain at all. I kept poking to see if they hurt, but I couldn't even induce a slight twinge. Then earlier this week (after a whole week of no pain at all) they gradually started hurting again. And now they are SO painful. It's great!!!

It's about the only symptom I have, although yesterday I felt a bit "off" and weary. Today I feel normal again. It sounds ridiculous (and I'll probably regret it) but I wish I had a bit of morning sickness to make me feel pregnant. I'm going insane wondering if things are alright. I still have ten more sleeps til scan day.

Happy update!!

I'm pretty excited!! My levels today were 1263. More than tripled since my level of 343 two days ago. It was such a tense morning waiting for the results. I am feeling so relieved, although I know I have a long way to go before I can feel a bit safer yet. My levels with my ectopic were higher at this stage (1500 at 21dpo) so I certainly won't feel safe until my scan on the 29th. Twelve long days and nights to wait!!

But for now I am happy. :-)

The tortuous wait

I seem to be spending my whole life wishing it away, waiting, waiting.

It has been a painful wait from Saturday until today to see what my hcg levels are doing.

I'm amazed to report that they have more than doubled in 48 hours. I really thought I'd just get a slight rise, and would then have the painful wait for them to drop back to zero and AF to arrive.

So here are my levels:
14dpo 49
17dpo 128 (doubling time of 48 hours)
and today:
19dpo 343 (doubling time of 33 hours)

It's given me a little bit of hope. Although my levels should now be up around 600, maybe my little bean was just a slow off the mark? Maybe he/she is going to catch back up now?

I am still very lightly bleeding on and off, so that is scary. And absolutely no pregnancy symptoms whatsoever.

Now I'm waiting for Wednesday, so I can have another blood test and see what is going on. I'm hoping for a big jump up to put my mind at ease.

Waiting, waiting, waiting!

Update

My HCG was 128 today. LOW (should have been around 300 ideally), but according to an internet hcg doubling time calculator it did have a doubling rate of 48 hours, just. I would have preferred if it had either jumped up heaps or gone up only a little bit. Then I would have had more of an idea of what the hell is going on. But regardless, I hold out very little hope now.

I'm in HCG hell.

Gone crazy

Yep, I think I've made it to "craziness". I've been driving myself insane with worry about if this pregnancy is going to progress or not.

I've continued to test everyday and my tests got slightly darker for a couple of days and then seemed to stall. This mornings was slightly darker again today. This is exactly what happened to me when I had my last early miscarriage back in April. They are just not getting dark enough, quick enough. I know you're probably thinking that pee tests can't show you if your HCG levels are rising well enough or not, but actually in my experience there is a direct correlation. Last time I had my HCG tested every 2nd day and was also doing a pee test every day. I found I could predict what my levels would be, based on my pee sticks.

On Wednesday I had worked myself up into such a state that I called the clinic and asked if I could test earlier than Monday. I didn't confess that I had already tested. They relented and said I could test on Saturday (tomorrow) but no earlier. I was going to my GP anyway on Wednesday, so while I was there, I told her I thought I was pregnant and asked if I could have my levels tested. I did confess to her that the clinic wouldn't let me test yet. She let me have a blood test. From my pee stick that day I estimated my levels would be between 40 and 60. They came back at 49. This was 14dpo and the average for that day according to betabase is around 100. So I'm not feeling confident, even though it is not a ridiculously low number and could still be ok.

Yesterday I started heavy spotting, brown. Today it is turning red and is more a light flow than spotting. Beginning of the end. My basal body temperatures have dropped over the last 3 or 4 days. So all this adds up to another non-viable pregnancy I think. I guess I will know more tomorrow when we get the results from tomorrows blood test. If the level is above 170, then I might be in with a chance. If it is over 200 I will be happy, if it is over 300 I will be ecstatic. Realistically, I think it will probably be around 100.

Will keep you posted...

Seven days til testing...

And I'm still not quite crazy yet.

So I last posted on Thursday when I was 8dpo (or 6dp2dt which in long hand means 6 days past a two-day embryo transfer, so much lingo in the forums!). I said I'd probably start testing the next at 9dpo, which of course I did. I have a stash of 50 (yes you read correctly) internet cheapies (IC's) so I'm not stingy with them.

No line morning of 9dpo, pure snowy white. Thought I could see a ghost of a line on the night of 9dpo, but knew I was wishing a line to be there. Morning of 10dpo and the shadow of a line was a teeny tiny bit darker. Maybe there was a line there? Nervous pee on a stick on the night of 10dpo and yes, there was the faintest, faintest line. Most people wouldn't have been able to see it, but after a couple of years of HPT examination practice, my eyes can pick up even the tiniest shadow of a pink line. So I broke out the big guns, a First Response (supposedly the most sensitive "proper" test on the market)and tried it. Nothing!!! Very disappointed that my IC's were giving me false hope. I guess you get what you pay for.

Today at 11dpo of course I peed on another IC and the line was there again, and darker (still barely discernible to the non experts of course). So I did another First Response and woohoo! A very light 2nd line appeared!! So my IC's are actually better at detecting low levels of HCG than the expensive First Responses. So, feeling really brave I went a bought a digital pregnancy test. I've tried these on several occasions in the early days of pregnancy and only ever had the nasty words "not pregnant" so I really was very brave. And guess what? I got "Pregnant"!!! I did a little happy dance around the bathroom.





Of course I shouldn't be allowing myself to get excited or hopeful. I've been in this situation five times before and still don't have a baby. But I just can't help it. My imagination is already running away with me.

Still eleven days til testing!

I haven't gone crazy with the wait yet, but I can feel myself getting closer. Today I'm 8dpo and haven't got any symptoms except sore boobs, and I'm pretty sure that's due to the crinone gel I'm using twice a day. Such lovely stuff (I'm being sarcastic in case you didn't pick that up).

My clinic seems to make us wait longer for test day than any other clinics in the country (from what I can work out from various ivf forums). My test day is 19dpo (15 Nov). Are they just being mean or what? Or avoiding finding chemical pregnancies until they have been and gone? Whatever their reason, I will be cheating and testing early (of course, I'm addicted to peeing on sticks). I'd rather know sooner than later if I am not pregnant to put myself out of my misery. Some people think - what if you test too early and get a negative when you are actually pregnant, then it will make you miserable. Maybe, but if I don't have a 2nd line by 13dpo then I know I'm not pregnant and get miserable. I'd rather that, than have my hopes building for longer before the crash back to reality.The earliest I've had a BFP is 9dpo, so yep, I'll probably test tomorrow!

You probably all think I AM crazy now.