Mini meltdown

So yesterday I was 5w4d, which is quite a significant milestone for me. It's the day I miscarried my first two pregnancies and also the day I had an imminent miscarriage confirmed by ultrasound for my fourth pregnancy. We did quite well in keeping our minds off it. We cleaned the house Sunday morning, then mum and dad came over for a cuppa. Afterwards we popped out to the supermarket (exciting I know). In the arvo some friends came to visit with their 5 month old baby (very cute, lots of smiling and gooing). DH was on nightshift, so he left after an early dinner and I lazed in front of the tv.

A little while later I realised my boobs had stopped hurting COMPLETELY. Two hours earlier they had definitely been hurting. I completely freaked out and stupidly consulted Dr Google (why do I do that?). Of course I came across heaps of stories when this had happened to others and it had ended up being a miscarriage. I suppose there was probably quite a few stories where things didn't end in miscarriage, but in my freaking-out state I didn't take much notice of those. When DH rang to say hi, I immediately burst into tears and hysterically told him I was no doubt about to have a miscarriage. Luckily he is much more sensible than I am and managed to calm me down enough that I could eventually go to sleep. Of course I had awful miscarriage dreams and didn't wake up refreshed at all.

Today I called into the clinic on my way to work to ask for another blood test (boobs very slightly tender but still not sore like they had been). As soon as the nurse asked me what was wrong, I immediately burst into tears (again, how embarrassing!). Of course she let me have another blood test done and also gave me a medical certificate as I was in no state to go to work. I went and got my blood drawn., The poor young bloke didn't know how to handle a shaking 36y.o. woman with puffy red eyes. He took my sample in record time and I was straight back out the door. It wasn't til I got to the car that I realised my arm was bleeding profusely and my shirt sleeve was covered in blood. It eventually stopped with a huge wad of tissues from my handbag, but I was then really glad I was going home and not to work. I would have had to go home and change before going to work anyway.

After an excrutiating wait for the phone to ring, I couldn't wait any longer and I rang the clinic at 1pm. Answering machine! I left a pathetic message and then sat and waited for the call back. It seemed to take forever, and I was imagining that the nurses were drawing straws to see who was the unlucky one who had to ring up the crazy one to tell her that her HCG levels had dropped. Finally the phone rang and I almost passed out when the nurse told me my levels were absolutely fine. I had to ask her to repeat herself! So they were 7793, up from 1263 on Wednesday. They had doubled at a rate of every 46 hours. I really was expecting the worst and it was such a shock to hear they were ok!

I hope now I can make it to my scan in six sleeps without having another meltdown. Small steps! I'm sure the last 24 hours have caused me my first grey hairs. I can't believe how stressed I let myself get.